Author Archives: sabbur

July 23, 2011

Got up this morning and talked to hubby.  He recently got his truck driving license.  Can’t find a job because everyone wants experience and no one wants to give him experience.  He said he is beginning to think he isn’t suppose to be a truck driver.  I asked him what else he thought he might want to do.  He said it is not what he wants to do but what he can do with the shape he is in.  He is in bad shape after 5 years of depression.

Where does that leave us?

This is not what I envisioned for the years after we were done raising our children.  I’m tired of the constant stress.  I really don’t know how much longer I can do this.  At least we have a rare sunny morning here and I’m off for the weekend.

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Suicidal Again

I get like this and don’t know whether or not I am rational.

In theory, I don’t have a problem with folks over the age of 35 deciding they do not want to stay on this planet and leaving. They have lived long enough as adults to decide if they can stand being here, on this earth, any more. I would hope they would attend at least a couple of counseling sessions, before really doing themselves in, but since that could lead to involuntary confinement, I do understand why they wouldn’t.

I am well beyond the age of 35. I have had the roughest 6 years of my life and I am tired, tired, tired. I could blame others for what I am and have gone through over the last five years, but that is not who I am. I have always taken responsibility for my actions. I’ve come to realize though, that I am loyal to a fault. And that is killing me.

I did give up on my mother 2 1/2 years ago. She was an extreme bi-polar and narcissist. At age 49 I finally realized I could take no more and cut all ties with her. She committed suicide last year and I was relieved as I felt that she could no longer hurt me. Boy was I wrong, but that is a whole other story.

My beloved grandmother committed suicide 4 years ago as did her mother before her. My grandma was 85 and tired of living. Although saddened and missing her, I do understand and hope she is happy on the other side.

My step-mother died of cancer 2 years ago this month, a cousin was murdered 2 years ago this month and a 16 year old cousin shot himself in the head 3 days ago. I guess the last 2 years have been really hard, let alone the last 6.

Back to me. Almost 6 years ago my husband had a breakdown. I read the books surrounding what he had gone through and understood. I never realized how long it would take him to start getting better and then how hard it would be for him to find work when he did. I now find myself ridden with credit card debt from using them to help make all the bills for the last few years. Now I’m unable to make our monthly bills and my husband of 35 years has been unable to find work. He has been trying very hard, but living in a small rural community there is not a lot out there.

I don’t want to file bankruptcy. I feel we made these bills and we will pay them. I am just so discouraged and tired I feel like I can’t go on.

At this point all I really know is if I ever met another woman in the situation I found myself in 6 years ago, I’d tell her to run as fast as she could. Leave and don’t look back. I thought I was strong enough to stick this out and I have, but now I don’t know if I am going to make it.

I’ve almost got my trust in order to save my family from the taxes they’d have to pay if I went without one. (There is not a lot…but enough to hopefully get my hubby by until he can find some kind of work). I’ll have it notarized Monday and we’ll see after that.

Funny thing is, I don’t really expect anyone to read this blog. I just thought maybe I’d feel better getting things out there.

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